Dude, I couldnt get it up cause she said her parents were home...
ok, come over...I have doritos
def just vomited mimosa in the gym trashcan. i weigh less already so i say its been a solid workout.
I couldn't tell if those girls from the bar were lesbians or just awesome
These margaritas aren't just going to regret themselves.
I found your bra. How you get it off the satellite dish is your problem.
What are you wearing tonight?
The colors of the winddddddd
Escorted out of jimmy johns because I refused to leave with my dog. Stole a loaf of bread on the way out.
My tweets this weekend consisted of me telling every bar I went to that they were my favorite valentine. I've never felt like more of an alcoholic
I just came so hard I growled. Definitely found my gspot.
I'm hoarding IKEA meatballs in my purse
He's a drill sergeant! The sadomasochist in me can't resist that.
That awkward moment when the guy you were hitting on at the bar last night is a possible suspect in a murder case.
Auto correct isn't even working for how drunk you are
roommates are droppin acid, i really should stop them from staring directly at the light bulb, but their giggles are so enchanting.
One of my nipples looks nothing like the other...i don't know how this happened
Randomize
