There's too many weed/neon/felt Sublime posters in this room and someone just put on a Hunter S. Thompson movie. Save me, now.
What are you drinking?
Shitty Coors light. OM NOM NOM TASTES LIKE HIGH SCHOOL
just saw bouncers outside a coffee shop. beginning to question humanity.
This chick just checked into her walk of shame on Foursquare... I think I'm in love.
We can't all go after the girl with the low self-esteem
She just face-timed her mom and had her watch all of us toast to her grandmas tits..
I don't think people appreciate how hard it is to fuck in a portapotty. Sarah and I had train for that shit.
Dude he downed 9 shots of tequila, sang bohemian rhapsody with 3 randoms Wayne's world style, solo'd closing time, chased the hot bartender's dog all the way to main, tackled him, carried him back, hot bar tender hugged AND kissed him, then he does a jumping heel click and leaps into my car through the window. Next rounds free at the yeti. Needless to say your little brother is a tequila god.
Basically.
There's some band that practices next door to my apartment. I'm thinking we may need to check that out. I could be like, "Hey boys, thought you might like some lemonade and vagina."
He added me to his contacts as 'boot and rally'...have you ever been more proud to be related to me?
I can't wait to tell mom.
Official reason: I couldn't get time off. The real reason: last Xmas nearly ended in alcohol poisoning to prevent me from screaming like a velociraptor
Why do I have a wristband from the birthing center at the University of Maryland hospital....
My entire grocery store purchase consisted of Little Debbie snacks and Budweiser
You know you suck at relationships when you are sitting in the airport on Christmas day, alone, swiping on Tinder.
But Keith is doing MDMA for New Years and he's 39.
Keith has a beautiful 20 year old girlfriend, a good job and a cute puppy. We can't all be Keith.
But I want to be Keith.
Randomize
