Have you ever made a sandwich from swedish fish and tortilla chips?
you rearended a car with your bike and then puked all over his back windshield. They made BUI's for you.
just found a shoebox labled "emergency smoking box"... it has a lightbulb, 2 potatoes, a dried up flower, and a button that says "stop drop and roll". what did we do last night?!
We had a race to see who could chug their vodka tonic faster. College doesn't seem to be working for me... I'm getting exponentially dumber
i feel like pizza bites are my only friend right now
Depending upon how the Sox game progresses, I'll either cry on the bar or fuck someone tonight...
Dude. I'm busy doing PR for America. FOR AMERICA. Europeans think we can't handle liquor.
It's like hey here is one penis enjoy nothing but that for the rest of your life
the whole bar just wished me luck with my booty call tonight
I'm texting you the word "cockring" because I feel it hasn't been said enough throughout our friendship.
I made him dress me after we fucked. He put me in TMNT pants and then told me I looked hot.
Getting drunk at 9 am is not a super power.
You should've seen the look on the guys face when I demanded pho and a beer the second they opened. Obviously he doesn't understand hangovers
I think he just shit his pants. Yep he did. That's unfortunate.
He has me blocked on facebook.... so I stalked him using my cats fan page.
Randomize