Ur dog is a babe magnet. Reminds me of me
Never fear I pulled out... she had "lies about taking birth control" written all over her
Latest life lesson : don't accidentally send an "I nutted on her tramp stamp" text to your tattoo-less girlfriend. Oops.
I went to the gynecologist and they said, "you're the most fun person we've ever had," and i thought, "that's exactly why i'm here!"
I tore the muscle in my left calf at the gym and still spent all evening in heels. UNSTOPPABLE!
I just can't even fathom the crazy and I work at a mental hospital.
My legs feel like baby dolphins
Just took a shot of 151, rimmned my middle finger in it, lit it on fire and lit a cigarette off it while flicking off my boss. How was your night??
I fell into the fireplace. That is a pretty good sign to stop drinking fireball
Where do you think black out memories go?
Into the dark abysmal abyss of the deepest, darkest part of your mind. It's obviously the bodies natural defense to protect you from witnessing the shit you do while actually blacked out.
Im bringing my light up rubber ducky just in case we end up at a rave tonight. HE CHANGES COLOR!
I wish there were more things in this world as wonderful as string cheese
Surriously
A sultry night of tacos and sex sounds nice. Should I bring home milk?
What did you give up for lent?
Diet and excersize. And I'm never going back...
I don't like kids.
You were literally holding a baby 5 minutes ago
I like them before they learn to speak and after they learn to think.
Randomize
