I bought a Christmas tree in my drunken state last night, after walking a half mile in search of vino and prior to my apparently playing boardgames with my boyfriend's family. There is no way you are on my level.
if you could put a roof over IU campus it would be the biggest whorehouse in the nation
becoming an adult blows. i don't think its possible for me to wake up for anything that doesn't involve kegs and eggs or half naked bums passed out in our yard.
That reminds me...we need to get swords
Some ambulance just rolled up to this bar and this girl just hops out of the back and walks inside
I gave the bathroom attendant $5 last night for turning the sink on for me. What. The. Fuck.
Dear god. Please. Please do NOT deprive yourself of dick for 90 days. Blood will spill. Wolverines will howl. I can't handle that kind of terror.
Did I really drink that whole bottle of Jack Daniels last night?
Heroically.
Just had a VERY VIVID visualization of wrapping a pizza around my cock and fucking its brains out. Soooooo less weed more dates?
I can control the tv with my phone while pooping on the second floor. I thought you should know for future reference
What have I told you about trying to use Jesus as your wingman?!
I'm a terrible person when I drink. I went from fine to not making any sense and yelling about cheese in like 30 seconds.
My mom just looked at me and said; "You've been pretty bitchy lately do you need some dick?" WTF has happened to me?
he's spending the night tonight. if i can walk straight tomorrow i'll be pissed.
My "birthday sex" consisted of approximately 25 seconds of him going down on me in the shower.
Randomize
