remind me tomorrow that nothing happen between me and the guy who's shirt i'm wearing
I feel like your standards for women is like rent-a-centers standards for credit.
I hate babysitting girls whose boobs are bigger than mine.
I just found out how hard it is to put together a fake Christmas tree with a hangover.
I left a cheeto on everyone's car trailing to the house i'm at, hanzel and gretel style.
Just an FYI: The offer for you to come snow blow my driveway in return for sexual favors is still on the table
that girl from work that wants to bone me just said 'the last time i went this long without sex was in jail'. sup, red flag
So that'd what fifty dollars of chicken at 7/11 looks like. Made it to work on time. Puked twice. BOOM.
I'm just crazy horny about you
If you quit, you're not going to stick to our game plan of dead by 40. I will not be in the titty bar nursing home without you damning
Damnit.
Apparently I'm a "fire hazard"
My new years resolution is going to be to stop drunk snapchatting old hook ups asking them when we're going to bang again
Lost my pants last night. Really need to stop taking shots of whiskey like I'm eating skittles.
See I am maturing. I just got in from my DRIVE of shame......
hey i'm sure you are probably asleep bc you suck and think sleep is necessary to live or something?
Randomize