His internet searches, listed chronologically: sex slave, volunteer sex slave, lava
Was just practicing flip cup with my NyQuil cup...
You drank almost the entire bottle of everclear and wanted to walk around. I guess your best friends sister is a cop and you wanted her to arrest you like the lil wayne song.... so sorry dude.
I found the pot of gold last night, and it was full of bad decisions.
did i really just refer to you as "the mid season replacement"
We left the window open. My vibrators funeral is at 2ish.....bring a side dish or some shit.
Cracked my iPhone screen. Real bad. Girl from last night isn't ugly yet. Stop me if you still think she belongs under a bridge. You have 12 seconds.
The number of injuries I get impersonating Shakira while drunk is getting ridiculous. Sprained vagina, dude.
Intramural soccer game tonight. Be ready for blood. I haven't sobered up since thursday
we were the definition of too high: argued for 10 minutes about who was gonna get the condom (it was 2 feet away on the night stand) and past out watching adventure time.
I'm spending tomorrow doing taxes and making jello shots. Is this adulthood?
and the oscar for 'most creative swearing' goes to you for 'jesus's bloody fucksticks'
I'm so hungover I just peed on my hand and left it, didn't wash... Killin it in 2915
NO I WILL NOT SET YOU UP WITH MY TWIN WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH YOU?!? JUST BECAUSE I WONT BLOW YOU DOESNT MEAN YOU CAN STALK HER AS A BACKUP PLAN YOU SPANISH BASTARD
The hump and dump is a beautiful thing
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