I knocked on some strangers door, you didn't have to give me a fake hotel room number
everytime i eat a fruit i feel like i'm eating ovaries
Why are all the lights on in my house? Every single one. Someone should turn them off but I'm the only one here and I'm sure as hell not doin it.
I just took a bite of a bagel at school and it tasted like weed. If I am high for my test in 2 hours I'm gonna kick someones ass
she kept her crown on the whole time i was giving her birthday sex
There was an ice luge. Lets just leave it at that.
No more cocaine. I spent two hours in my bathroom convincing myself I was ugly. Is this what a period feels like?
You're the worst gay friend ever.
I went to bed at ten on a Friday night I have virtues to spare
If it makes you feel any better, I'm eating a block of cheese...
I feel like if he almost got me pregnant once, i can at least say hi in a bar
Once you jizz in someones hat, you cant take it back.
but, alas, I am not the lady in the streets. I'm simply the freak in the sheets.
I HAVENT SEEN A PENIS IN 5 WEEKS I REFUSE TO REMAIN CALM
ALL I WANT FOR CHRISTMAS IS FOR YOU TO SHUT THE FUCK UP FOR ONCE
what the fuck happend anyway? How did it go from smoothies after work to blacking out?
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