I swear to god I'm with a high end prostitute right now and shes the most interesting person I've ever met. She just took me in to share an evening.
And as an added bonus she seems to have gotten a blood stain out of my favorite t-shirt
you started whispering 'the itsy bitsy spider' while you were putting your hands up my shorts.
She was adopted and used to dance at Sapphire. just my speed.
That haircut screams I'm 35 but I still eat pussy.
A homeless man walked up to me at the bar, pointed, and told me to get my shit together. Jesus?
Alive...but barely. Had dinner with my parents tonight which was conveniently located near where i left my car, phone, and self respect
She poured a bottle of rum in the champagne fountain, did like 5 jello shots at the same time, then lit herself on fire. Twice. This is how everyone should turn 21.
I swear there's a gravitational pull from your vagina to large groups of men in uniform.
you pulled down your pants to convince a girl you were god
My only regret is that I have but one penis to give to your vagina.
Oh my god he's laying on a longboard singing the song from cool runnings.
I mean, it was a fun hookup and he's cute and whatnot, but he wouldn't go down on me. Plus he's a republican. Idk why but those things feel like they go hand in hand.
I really don’t want to have kids.
I thought we agreed we were done with dirty talk for the day
he told me that I'm basically going to be the mom of the house when they move in...i like to see it as being a MILF without the responsibility of real children
Uhm... Found a ziploc bag... In the freezer. Sam, thought it was lemonade. Why did you make frozen piss at my house, again?
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