I accidentally told him I've been cheating on him with his brother last night.
How did that happen by accident?
I was drunk and vomited all over him and thought, "maybe he will just stay with me out of pity if I tell him with stomach acid and alcohol all over his crotch." I was wrong.
I either just heard my neighbors having sex or she really agreed with whatever he was talking about.
Next time i try to unbutton my R.A's shirt with my teeth, please stop me
No promises.
He' s half Black and half Italian, I finally asked...this penis maybe one for the records.
the elusive kegmastree, who's mystery is only exceeded by it's power
I mean...he was throwing up for almost 3 consecutive hours. I don't think there's a chance in hell that would have tasted even close to tolerable.
Well, I'm getting my ex-boyfriend to get me a z pack to cure the chlamydia I got from my married fuck buddy so that I can fuck one of my students.
Let's play, "guess how long my Neighbours have been watching me dance naked".
Listening to Ke$ha's new single to pump myself up for my STD test.
Ah, drunk me ordered sushi at 3 a.m. for sober me's lunch the next day. EXCELLENT
Had a dream I went to Disney to visit you and then I got really drunk and puked all over these little kids in line
never stay at a party until 5am. even if it's because of daylight savings. we ended up having to watch porn with the host's dad...
We just fucked like crazy and now I'm dipping chips in macaroni & cheese. I feel completely accomplished. This may be the best day ever.
I found a tomato seed inside my jeans. I did not eat tomatoes
She asked me to tell her the three words every girl wants to hear so I whispered "I play hockey" in her ear.
Randomize
