Im watching someone hooking up in the library
procrastination at its finest
I have beard burns on my inner thighs. I'd say last night went pretty well.
I just saw a guy getting escorted with handcuffs on, I'm too drunk to be at the airport right now.
In less than 3 minutes we had 3 security guards running after us
In chronological order you drank, sang, smoked, napped, threw up, cried, laughed, described your pubic area, passed out. You have abused the privilege to use me as your D.D.
The best part of last night was the women's softball game on the TV at the strip club
He bought segways. We ride them when we get drunk. Last night he ran through the sliding glass door.
He should be castrated
Nah he might accidentally come while they're cutting it off. Wouldn't be fair to the surgeons
He ate the contents of an ashtray and didn't puke, I think he can handle drinking a fifth to himself.
Ugh I feel like I just got hit by a big giant sex bus.
I don't get promposals. When I asked my date I was so drunk I couldn't lift my head. Then I puked on my lawn after he said "ok whatever". That's romance
I threw my shoes out of frustration and walked home barefoot... can you help me find my shoes in the morning
Change the sheets & put your dick in the dishwasher. I'll see you in an hour.
He gave me a back massage while we were fucking.
Did you get that?
WHILE WE WERE FUCKING.
So some guy thought I took second place in a male stripper competition
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