My roommate and I had a nyquil contest. The nyquil won.
Is it necrophilia if we're both dead?
Say something about gay babies.
We just walked into this party and immediately got handed a grilled cheese sandwhich....
We smoked a joint and talked about his parent's divorce. It was like being fifteen all over again.
he was so high that he wouldn't speak to anybody for like 30 minutes, he'd only gobble, like a turkey.
So. She dumped me today.
Well, maybe you shouldn't have referred to going down on her as "Dumpster-Diving".
The couple that wants to take me home just paid the bartender $100 to pour tequila down my throat. I think I'm in some type of twilight zone where stds run rampant and the alcohol floweth
Then you shook your fists at the sky and explained to us that losing a sneeze is like losing an orgasm
Naked snow angels was a very bad idea. My vag is now frozen shut.
I want to have sex with Will Smith. I guess I have a thing with 90s sitcom stars. Stamos, Joey Lawrence, John Goodman.
Never let me go online shopping while drunk. I now own 2 baby cribs. I have no children
You know you gave a quality blow job when you have to ice your neck and jaw the next day.
It's still fucked up that my mom let me think Vanilla Ice was my dad for YEARS just because she thought it was funny.
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
Randomize
