I'm not looking forward to the waking up early part. Or actually the wedding part. Or the reception part. But I am looking forward to the meaningless sex with some random guy I meet at the reception part.
I just bought a large Pizza and Xanex in the same store...my night is complete
he looks like a really good dad on facebook
highlight of my day: just saw a crying girl get dropped off at home wearing only socks, booty shorts, and a dirty wifebeeter. I wonder what happened to the costume...
got hammered last night, woke up this morning to 38 texts that varied from "you fucking asshole" to "i can be there in 10 minutes"
When I was with my girlfriend I was averaging 1 random hookup a week. In the 2 months I've been single I haven't got any. I think I need her back.
You act like pregaming preseason hockey is a crime. Come on man, get fucked up and watch pucks. It rhymes so well it has to go together. DOS EQUIS Y DEVILS!
officially christened the dorm room by sucking my spilled drink off the floor. tastes like homee
Nope. If I'm going to drive an hour to fuck a teacher, it will NOT be missionary thats for damn sure.
Also, I might need your help for a prank involving a hand puppet, a coke bottle, double-sided tape, and my dick...
My plan for the weekend: 1) Get shit faced in Vegas. 2) Not die
Because I'm sitting in a bath of my own wisdom and drowning my sorrows in coconut rum
I felt like I should've driven him home but I was holding in a fart and just needed him to leave
You chased a rabbit then knocked on a police car and asked the cop "if he saw where that little bastard went."
So my dad just asked, "did you leave without pants a lil bit ago?"
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