it hurts more in the daytime
you know he's having a sex change. I can't believe you called him "titty man" to his face....
she made me cover her fishbowl with my shirt because she "didn't want to corrupt it."
As we walked into his room, he said welcome to the hurt locker. I should have left, but I love that movie.
So some guy at the party is convinced I'm Edward Cullen. He keeps calling me "Twilight" and following me around with a stake. I'm concerned.
I just had to give myself a pep talk to stop lying on my floor. Literally too hung over to function
rumor has it I kept asking you to go to the "tall grass" with me...sorry about that.
Wouldn't it be fantastic if the corporate world cared less about about our GPA and focused more on our mastery of social drunkenness?
There's gotta be a lawn gnome full ecstasy around here somewhere. And by golly I will find it
You were greeting everyone with " Hi I'm Jess show me your dick" whether they were dudes or not.
Do you deliver to the black dark pit where I am? I think it's called.... The toilet? Right next to hell...
It was just a Craigslist hook up but she wore sweats. Where are the girls with class?
Letting Freddy Krueger eat me out = HAPPY HALLOWEEN TO ME!!!
I am eating croutons on my bathroom floor. Are you happy?!
Last night was a bad idea. I'm hungover and the contents of my purse smell like Korean BBQ.
Randomize
