just threw up while drinking by myself. This is all your fault. You here = a good night, You not here = alcoholism
It's official, I've know hooked up with everyone I carpooled with in middle school
Thought I woke up to a girl giving me a handy. It was a male nurse inserting a catheter.
They just both started mumbling "i cant go home like this" "it's all over my face" "do you have extra pants?"
He kept screaming "it's so seductive" while he was humping the wall
Saturday dinner is funfetti cake and merlot. Singlehood has come to this.
you never texted me what you wanted from the store so I got a piece of chicken and bottle of tequila. if you want anything else you are on your own.
We dared each other to drink Arbor Mist, and I waterboarded someone with tequila.
He said "just hugs" and ran away screaming.
So it may have been laced, sue me.
alicia just called me and talked to me in "the eternal language of the dinosaurs" and then kind of roared and gurgled. what kind of 4th of july are you guys having?
the boozy kind. is there any other?
You know that girl that climbed through my window and got in my bed with me and fucked me? It turns out she was real and has a real boyfriend who is real pissed
Also this guy in my contact as hairy jerry sent me a pic of him shirtless and said I miss you and I have no idea who he is /when or if I met him but that's not normal?!
I think I accidentally invented a religion.
Sean just lit a cig with his taser..... I am in awe
It’s official. I’ve hooked up with all three brothers now
You should go after Dad now
I should! He’s definitely middle age fuckable
Randomize
