dude i woke up to 20 missed calls from you, 3 from a blocked number and had 13 voicemails that all said "send me a picture of your tits."
so im guessing thats a no.....
If a cop asks you "Where do you go for fun?", it's not a pick up line...especially if he just pulled you over.
It's so hard to take my boss as an authorative figure with her New Moon movie tickets taped to her wall
Making pb&j crepes. Using corn tortillas. So high. I don't know if I'm offending French people or Mexican people more.
Just when I think I'm the one with the problem, I get home for the holidays and the family shows me what alcoholism is really about
im seconds away from chugging that vodka and preforming the surgery on myself.
You can't find true love with Budweiser and a futon
Either I spilled whiskey on my boobs last night or they are fermenting. Not concerned in the slightest
I puked walking onto the plane. How do you think my post-Birthday hangover went?
I can't. I drank 10 years off my life last night. I need to reevaluate. Sorry.
In other news I may have fractured my masturbating arm
At least it wasn't your drinking arm
Margaritas just taste better when they're bigger than your head
She showed up at 4:30 in the morning HAMMERED, stripped, demanded sex, then after 4 failed attempts stopped me mid-thrust to tell me she thought we should be fucking for a cause, like animal rights. Process that for a second. She wanted us to be fucking for animal rights.
My drug dealer is giving me a 15% veterans discount on my weed for nov 11th
That's the best thing I've heard all week.
What's a professional way to say get your shit in gear?
Randomize
