her sex was completely horrible but her weed was great. imma ask her out again
Fell in the ditch running from the pizza guy I stole the pizza from. If you are still at my house come find me, pretty sure I need stitches.
i didn't realize we were even dating until i ran out of weed
At one point you starting double fisting oreos in your mouth confused about how you got out of the car
I wish we could skip the pretense of being normal and just start drinking wine with breakfast
Life lesson: When you compete in an impromptu "bloody mary chug-off," in the end, no one wins.
pretty sure I called you last night to sing Hebrew to you.
Well since your going through her phone..look man she loves you..she just loves my dick more
just in the smoking shack with my sister cheering on a caterpillar make its cocoon
I almost got on a bus to Langley Air Force Base. 99% sure that's not where I wanna be.
I woke up and my backpack was empty. He used me for sex, and back to school supplies.
when a dude sends me an unwanted dick pic I just send him a picture of a nicer one. A more photogenic one. A dick with a future.
I showed up to a job interview wearing two different shoes. If that's not an omen, I don't know what is.
The bar brought brought it upon themselves, they played billy joels piano man before closing, it's not our fault the bar isn't a bar anymore, right?
I don't think there's a ladylike way to tell this guy I want to sit on his face
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