Hehe I wanna Australian kiss.. Its like a French kiss but down under ;)
I'm in a strip club that reminds me of a crack house from the 80's.
So.. my mom just told me she hasn't gotten laid in 7 years... I'm really disturbed.. at the same time... At least now I know why shes so damn cranky all the damn time
Please don't tell me you're asking me to have sex with your mother.
He gave me an orgasm with his left hand...and he's right handed. Of course he's a keeper.
Didn't get laid. But got a free pie from a waitress. A whole pie.
I legit had to pull him off my car. Then he texted me saying 'take me places.' Shotgun getting that drunk tonight
You went streaking and came back with your shirt inside out. Then said "it happens in the line of duty" and passed out.
Qdoba locked their bathrooms last night.. I suppose so people didn't pee all over them? I considered it counter productive considering I just peed on the outside of their building then. I had to pee
What is this nonsense on the table
Your idea.
I mean the hole taco that was chewed up and spit out
And if it ever comes down to tax or healthcare benefits we can get married
That's the sweetest thing I've ever heard
Just yelled out loud for someone to buy me a drink, 30 seconds later random guy on grindr asks what I'm drinking.
There's a 98% chance your drink will taste like rohypnol
His dad gives me dirty looks whenever I come over though. I think it's because I eat his food and have sex with his son.
Ok well i was gonna say you can only borrow my fog machine if you will use it to emerge from your room in a cloud of smoke after having sex with sarah, so yeah we're good
I'm at a loss. By loss I mean singing songs from Wicked and pretending I'm at the Oscars
Pretty sure the waitress here is concerned about well being bc I've been here drinking by myself for 3 hours. If only I could show here FB so she'd know I'm not alone...
Randomize
