M and I are hungry and we are making your pizza in the fridge. But you're having sex and we're not so we dont feel bad.
Segways are the fanny packs of transportation. Useful in some situations, but you always look like a tool when using one.
so many types of cookies right now. i'm eating four kinds of cookies that i've made into larger cookie sandwiches. too high. whoa.
Clearly, I'm already going to hell, so there's no point in trying anymore.
Last night was proof dads should hug their daughters more
It's like his dick is pushing through his pants and driving him over here.
Didn't get to fuck her. Had to leave abruptly through window. Explain later.
Just got done fucking the squirter chick. She came when we were in a 69. I now know what it's like to be water boarded.
So I'm drunk playing pool in a bar with a guy I arrested last week for a DUI...if he recognizes me, shit's gonna get real.
I refuse to fuck a guy who needs a coozy for his beer. NOT EVEN IN DESPERATE TIMES LIKE THESE.
The pastor just stopped the sermon to lay hands on me. THAT hungover.
The strip clubs here are like a safari of penis, and I'm gonna bag me a rhino.
I'm watching porn in spanish. Thats studying right?
I can recall having this conversation with a three year old, but go on
By the time we got to McDonald's you were sharing a Big Mac with a stripper.
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