My text messages all automatically add Zs on them cause of your skank ass messages you send me
he spent the whole night trying to convince me into a2m. i won't even use the pb til i clean the jelly knife. i love him but it's not going to happen.
I could literally track my booty calls if I ever got knocked up by my parking tickets
i gave him the "yep, i was your girfriend's collegiate lesbian sex story" head nod
I just bought 4 bottles of wine in sweats at 530 on a monday night. Fuck law school
Just considered the plausability of using my detachable showerhead as a beer bong. Has my life really devolved to this?
disregard all texts ive sent you minus taco motherfucking bell
We had to go visit his dealer in the hospital to buy some weed.
you know you've had too much sex when your vagina hurts when you laugh
Whore are you.
Is that a Yoda insult or are you asking me where I am?
Yes.
Have you ever just like not slept in so long that everything looks like a lava lamp?
He kept sending me videos of his dogs while I was trying to masturbate. At what point does getting vagina-block apply?
He's such a neat freak that he started making the bed while I was still laying on it naked. He succeed in case you were wondering.
i hooked up with all four beatles on halloween get on my level
They say you need two forms of ID, but in reality 1 nice set of tits works every time
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