mom just said that her bf is good in bed. fml.
i am watching a movie about a vagina with teeth and then you sent that to me while im eating sushi.
of course. lets lasso hookers.
Is sexting at a funeral morally wrong?
i feel like everytime i say im going to quit drinking someone comes along with a better idea about drinking
You showed up at my apartment after 3 am wasted with a plate of cookies and tried to hook up.
Sorry about that. Except for the cookies.
A DRUNK EMT IS BETTER THAN NO EMT!!!
I would convert to being a Republican and Mormon just to sleep with Romney's sons. The things I would to do them.
she chugged a bowl of salsa and then gave my ferret weight loss tips. she's like my fucking spirit animal now
He acted like he was sleep fucking because I woke up to him screwing me in the middle of the night and he had is eyes closed and was mumbling things the whole time and wouldn't respond to me.
Is that even possible?
I called him by the wrong name to test him and he instantly stopped, rolled over and acted like he was still sleeping...I think he might break up with me tomorrow.
I just put fruit snacks in my sangria instead of real fruit. Its like freshman year all over again..
We couldn't afford sangria freshman year. We're lucky we had fruit snacks..
Pretty sure I just puked up sand. And nothing else.
I'm still hammered too. I started tweeting the time at one point I'm pretty sure.
I'm eating go-gurt and drinking beer alone in the dark. This is why you shouldn't marry young.
hey, so i dont know your name. but im guessing we had sex last night. seeing that you're in my phone as "had sex time thursty thursday guy"
Oh and it’s been a year according to my snap chat memories since I banged your cousin in your sons truck pulled over on Elm St! 😂😂😂😬😳😇
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