i think i may have caused an international incident at the french embassy, just fyi
hahaha how?
its a long story involving a horse trailer and some shrubbery
He booked his flight from Dallas already, no ticket to the game, said hes gonna bang some girl at tailgait to get a ticket, I had to explain that it will be sub 20 degrees F during tailgate, he decided to come in july instead, Texans are dumb.
Dude let's go to Saudi Arabia. They outlawed valentine's day. And probably love.
I wouldn't accept the money so he folded the $20 bill into an origami puppy and left a note saying "Not blowjob money"
Hi Jessica this is Jessica and I am texting you and were taking lime shots and it's fantastic and I broke your elbow and I love you xo
I got shot at last night. Lesson about married chicks: learned.
Oh my fucking god you idiot bitch just get here forget about the vodka the fucking cops are looking for you
You told me to remind you that the bruise on your ass is from when you danced on the table at Ziggy's, saw a cop and tried to 'fly away'.
BoomCity!!!
You don't have to text me that every time you have sex. I already heard you ring the gong.
If I was gonna be at your campus for halloween weekend, I'd dress up as the masked horny fairy and give out condoms. I'm so thoughtful.
It's amazing the amount I can accomplish with a glass of wine in my hand.
Mom said it is up to us to plan Thanksgiving. Hooters or Scores?
Or???
Fuck the walk of shame. I make this shit glorious.
The fact that you arent wearing shoes probably just adds to the classiness
Condom wrapper stuck to my shirt ups the anty
I want to be her friend more than I want to fuck her boyfriend.
Do you remember feeding the vacuum doritos last night?
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