I need to shower the guilt off of my thighs.
We walked through the hotel lobby in slow-mo taking huge steps because we were astronauts, and astronauts obviously can't be drunk.
Thank God they found balloon boy, I was afraid that Michael Jackson was ordering take out from heaven.
Is it bad that when my prof gave examples of "stalking" behavior, I either have done or would do most of them?
I managed to throw up 90 feet under water, just removed my breathing tube, puked, put it back in. All inclusive is the way to go.
Is there any way to un-invite somebody to a wedding? I just checked out the other family, and I can't have a cockblock there.
now you know why we've never bought a 12 pack of king cobras before.
Bro what are you doing Thursday the day before I go to jail??
Is it some european holiday today? We both woke up to find loaves of bread in our rooms...
You know it's nice having a girlfriend who will lotion your balls for you
Why did I just find out you and Andrew had sex right next to my face when I passed out on the beach?
At the time it seemed romantic and its also extremely frowned down upon to leave a passed out person by themselves in an unfamiliar place.
Why did I wake up by myself then?
look in the field by the highway and see if there is a high heel there. Or some Taco Bell bags.
eating on the run again ?
If you kill yourself you won't get to feel that feeling when you have a good shit in the morning. Arent you gonna miss that?
I parked in the SAE Fraternity lot and left a note that said if you don't tow me you will all get a blowjob.
So just spent 30 minutes of my life talking to my cousins friend who told me she buys cocaine from a pizza place by asking for extra Parmesan
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