Told my mom a bit ago she'd meet you tonight
Um...??
She's excited
The more I throw up, the more I am remembering exactly what I drank last night...in order.
so it turns out, not only do the doormen judge the girls I bring home, but they rate them.
It smelled like mall pretzels. Of course I investigated.
i don't think they understood the house was collapsing. they kept dancing and jumping and asking for more cups.
Last thing I remember was wondering why there was a mirror on the wall behind the urinal and then realizing I was pissing in the sink.
HEAR YE, HEAR YE! BY ROYAL DECREE, I WILL BE KNOCKING ON YOUR DOOR AT 2PM UNLESS YOU GET THE FUCK UP. IT'S 1:50. CIGARETTE TIME, BITCH. I LOVE YOU.
Okay now that I've been wanting to eat these hot cheetos in the bathroom, I know it's time I need to stop smoking and go to sleep.
I just don't do feelings in the summer months.
Okay I know I said I was going to quit drinking for a while but apparently pumpkin pie flavored vodka is a thing and I will not rest until I have some.
tried to chug a glass full of ice cubes. went better then expected.
I said he looked like a lumberjack and that's when he came. I guess he liked the beard compliment?
He overslept for our prescheduled morning sex. The fact that my vagina isn't enough to get him out of bed was the last straw.
I wore grinch underwear to my well woman exam this morning and I feel like I adulted successfully today.
Why did you have to tell me he has a hammer cock? Now I can’t stop staring at his pants.
Randomize
