I think my vagina is haunted
that girl last night was a 15
wait she was 15?
no like black jack not sure if you should hit it
My unemployment check should really just be direct-deposited into the checking account of my drug dealer
Think I'm gonna go cougar hunting tonight... Any advice?
condoms and good judgment
Can I buy both of those at the same store?
through my window right now you can see the hot chick next door is standing BUTT ASS NAKED eating peanut butter off a knife.
ill be there in 5.
just drunkenly made mashed potatoes at midnight. what have you done for your calorie intake lately?
Ugh. my cast still smells like fermenting hot tub water and bad decisions.
He was more tolerable with alcohol in my system. I woke up to him squeezing me and telling me how he wanted to dip me in strawberry jam.
I think I might be harboring a Canadian in my womb.
Awareness is good for change and all, but ignorance is bliss. I like bliss.
One day we'll be rich enough to go to rehab. Until then, fuck it.
I'm in my onesie attempting to spoon-feed myself cold soup. I'm playing freeze tag with my hangover. My hangover's winning.
You were wearing a sequin mini, with Tevas. And you still got laid.
I woke up with pitch black feet and crushed doritos around my mouth. That's how I determined how my night went
It was some weird herd predator-evasion instinct. All 15 of us took off running in different directions, and the two cops just stood there, perplexed. They had no idea who to chase.
Randomize
