Nakedness is not a toga. Just sayin
all i know is i woke up with a braid in my hair and i vaguely remember a cab driver telling me he would give me $10,000 to get him a green card. and he would take me to turkey. and give me free cab rides. im never drinking on my medicine again. lol.
she told me her two favorite things were grocery stores and dick.
I just found a GIANT thermos of sangria in my sink. I don't know if its still good to drink, but its good to drink.
Do Not. I repeat. DO NOT DRINK WHISKEY TO COPE. You will end up in jail. LEARN FROM THE PRO
Come to me. Jacob is confessing his love and all I want is a hot dog. With chili. Not love.
I'm using toast as a chaser. If I wasn't already so fucked up this would be revolting.
You need to call dibs on the blond with the tits. It's your birthday.
Haha hell yea
Because if someone gets to see those.. It should be you. It's like God telling you Happy Birthday.
I don't know how I'm going to know it's her, I only know what she looks like with a wig on
SHE COULD ALREADY BE HERE AND I WOULDN'T EVEN KNOW
How on earth did you break your wrist?
I went into someone's yard so I could pee and I found a tireswing
You tried to sit down... There was a distinct lack of couch.
Note to self: don't try to shave your legs when sex-sore. You CANT reach, stop trying.
Glad I can drunkenly remember to not get tomatoes on my Mexican pizza but can't tell a guy to keep his hands off my ass
You kicked my dad IN THE NUTS right when he walked in.
Sorry, man. Thought he was a cop.
i dunno dude, he took his shirt off and is rubbing jello shots on himself. i think he's done
Randomize
