Blow job in a bar bathroom for my Thing 1 while in a onezie dressed up as Thing 2. Best Halloween ever.
I bet the Cat in the Hat never caused mischief like that.
I woke up wearing just my underwear and a headlamp at a different house than I remember passing out at. I told you irish car bombs are not made with an entire guinness.
I just feel as thought we should spend the day in which we celebrate relationships the same as how we started them. Drunken hook ups.
So help me Jesus we're never drinking together again. But weekends don't count. Amen.
Dude shes not that fat. Plus, last night I probably would've done it too.
The girl that works the front desk at my gym invited me and my friend to come see her Tuesday during her shift at hooters because its her birthday. I still have a boner
His roommate left already and took the beer pong table so we had to take off his bedroom door. Maybe res life won't notice.
When I said I wanted you to make noise during sex, I didn't mean mocking ones.
I was out of breath when we were getting started and he offered me his inhaler so he's a keeper
You used a fucking bud light like as lube last night. I'd get a UTI test like stat.
The guy whose house were at is drunkenly reading green eggs and ham to us in German
I would like to reiterate that I went to give lessons and ended up having a three way instead
There are some people who should not be trusted with a cell phone while drunk. You know your one of them when you call the cops on your own party.
How was that girls surprise party last night?
Got absolutely destroyed tried to put somebody's leather jacket on and make out with their mother. You know.. the norm
Im sitting on the floor of the hotel room eating nachos and drinking coffee. People should learn to embrace their hangovers
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