And secondly i just said i'd pay ten dollars to have sex with you
he screamed my twitter name while we were having sex.
Woke up to 'distilleries' on the history channel. Proceded to vomit all over the floor. Back on the wagon today.
The last thing i remember was high fiving everyone on the planet.
the girl next to me at the bar JUST looked down at her vagina and said "im going to get you fed". if i come home alone tonight...i give you permission to cut off my penis
the cab driver asked if you were our mom. you definitely shouldn't have tipped him so much.
So I thought the party was crazy before his pinky came off...
Whiskey??
It will be at least another 6 weeks before I say yes again. I'm bruised. I stole sex cards and a really nice pocket knife. I acquired a vial of my own blood. Talk about a yard sale...
I'm starting to think I didn't bring enough liquor for this family Christmas.
It's 2 pm....
got a blowjob in the bar bathroom, got arrested for public intoxication, and found a big bag of weed on the ground on my walk home from the station. my friday night could have been a movie
do you ever look at a card in your wallet and reminisce about all of the drugs youve done with it?
I know I've become a responsible adult because this time, I'm not going to do the drugs I found on the ground
She helped me out of the car and i face planted into the snow.....and just stayed there and took like a 30 min nap.
Swimming turned traumatic when grampas shorts slipped off..
They don't really make a "hey I'm fucking your ex wife" card do they ?
Randomize
