There is a strange man mowing my lawn. Best day ever.
Every time he makes fun of me for anything I just remind myself he ate ice cream out of a strippers vagina
he was like "finding out that arrested development was cancelled" bad
Dude, totally just found out that I've been washing my hair with semen for the past 3 weeks.
Dude, I just cut my asshole on the new toilet paper. If you rationed the grocery money to buy drugs, I better be getting some.
If we break up, I want weekend visitations with your penis.
she's doing key bumps of parmesean cheese
the party has pretty much ended, it's just 20ish of us jumping and grinding to music from some guy's phone in the corner.
you're trying to get a guy who's been in a coma for 2 weeks and who thought he was in '08 yesterday to drive you to the liquor store?
yeah, you wanna come?
He returned my car yesterday. Found a duffel bag with beef jerky, condoms, and a handgun this morning. Slightly concerned
I wish the sun would stop judging me for being drunk while it's still shining.
Idk, you were a drunk pirate that kept stealing pieces of people's costumes to keep as your booty.
That would explain all the random shit in my room...
I did a line of coke with my ex tonight. Talk about memories
I dropped a piece of Mac and cheese in the shower and I almost still ate it. Stoned, but not stoned enough to degrade myself.
I'm pretty sure I broke my breathalyzer by breathing vaporized vodka into it.
Randomize