Woke up this morning to a janitor hitting me in the head with his bucket in the hallway of my building. An alumni was next to me because we locked ourselves out of my room and couldn't figure out where my roommates were.
So I've been drinking and I told the bf about the gf he almost fell of his chair
I coulnt tell if he was cumming or if I was throwing up
just got dressed up for chatroulette- THAT desperate.
And then the cop told me my court date was on 4/20. I said come onn u really gunna do me like that
Fuck going to see The Hunger Games tonight. The only thing I'm hungry for is some dick. Let's go to the bar.
Just living on dreams and a bed of used condoms
Realized we were outta oj used gerber graduates mixed fruit juice as a mixer. Mother of the Year award right here
I am in the bathroom at work, pooing while eating pretzels. Hungover Fridays are in full effect
If our sexual relationship was relative to the Harry Potter series, I would have claimed the Wizard's Cup at least ten times.
Why did I wake up in bed with the ironing board and a Mariah Carey mask? Vodka hates me
Hey, taking organic chemistry means no one is allowed to tell you you're partying too hard.
She kissed me, then said "mmm your face tastes like it needs my pussy on it."
I'm about to eat a honey mustard chicken salad on the toilet while I try to shit. You really think I care about what "kind of guy he is?" The fuck out of here.
If you don't care, I don't. Good luck finding prince charming.
I met someone else! And I had a wonderful orgasm! And he wants to see me again, like take me out!
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