My mom just informed me that my dog licks their toes while her and my dad are having sex. I'm apartment searching.
I was just handed a mimosa the size of my head. Stay tuned.
My nipple rings set off the metal detector at the courthouse this morning.
He kept trying to order 'sex on the tennis courts' for a drink last night
for the record, graham crackers won't get the taste of cock out of your mouth. also we're out of graham crackers
Just rented the SCUBA equipment. Meet me at the pool to test the underwater beer bong idea.
New definition for "rock bottom": Waking up in a puddle of your own puke, missing your fake tooth. Then having to dig through said puddle of puke for aforementioned fake tooth. Think it's time I quit partying so hard.
Is this your way of breaking up with me as my wingman?
Oh, and I'm only keeping her around till spring. Doing the hunt for cunt is too tough in 12" of snow.
You straight up wore me out. This should be a proud moment for you. It's almost like my penis is asking for a timeout. But not really
Literally if she wants to make a big deal, I'd rather have shit smeared on my face.
Just delivered a pizza to a holiday inn and a delivery driver from Me n Ed's walked up at the same time, we both were going to the same floor so we stood in the elevator making small talk about delivery stuff, but a small part of me wanted to deck him, stand over him and shout,"FOR THE HUT MOTHERFUCKER, FOR THE HUT!"
Jesus christ, don't start a pizza delivery gang war.
I just want to eat Taco Bell and throw it up on his doorstep.
There was one thing about my NYC trip I forgot to tell you: I took a dump in Trump Tower
We drunkenly made out once four years ago and then he immediately vomited and honestly I've never gotten over him
I am downtown smoking a joint with Woody Harrelson...Because our car won't start. I will be there as soon as I can.
Randomize
