OK...I gotta go get strawberry short cake cakes and knee pads
They said "my eyes made me look intoxicated" ......we harassed them all night and we called the cops and told them that the bouncer that kicked us out was selling meth in the club ...and then we went to wendys
I love wearing low cut shirts cuz then when class gets boring, I can look down and admire my breasts.
Some girl next to me in class is making a list of whta to pack for spring break & it was a normal list until she put birth control in all caps w/ stars around it
I just peed on my pajamas. Its gonna be a long night. Don't forget the cookies.
well i just had my first "when i graduated college she was 12" morning
We are not on the "bring me breakfast" level. He's bringing me penis if I ask for breakfast too I'll just sound greedy
For every drunk face picture you send me, I'm gonna send a wholesome family photo.
We joked about how funny it would be if he got pulled over with 300 breakfast burritos in hus car. We walk outside of the school just as the police lights turn on and pull him over
His favorite stripper is going to jail. He's taking it pretty hard
his mom fetish really needs to stop. this is literally the 5th time i've come home from work and there's been some random skank and her kids in the living room.
did one of the kids use their poo like a crayon on the wall this time?
Why are you naked at 4pm?
Its my birthday, I dont have to wear clothes
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
i couldn't be more explicit if i hit him upside the head with a dildo
Never thought I’d use my computer science degree for teledildonics, but here I am
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