I was just curling my hair topless and I just burned my nipple. Ouch.
Ask me how many people I've slept with. Because its changed since I last saw you.
I saw you 20 MINUTES AGO. You need to stop this.
weed, chlorine, and victory. my bed smells like i had sex with michael phelps.
So I'm cool with the whole break up, but it sure is a shame we didn't get to use those handcuffs.
I heard you threw up in your lap?
I heard that too.
My entire childhood was an ugly sweater party
TOMORROW NIGHT CAN I HOLD YOU LIKE A BABY
I'd bet your vomit would be flammable at this point. Can I try to light it?
We wouldn't be friends if you didn't.
Sorry I didn't answer your call last night, I was peeing on the driveway.
I had a flashback of using my sock as a napkin after we got taco bell
5% want to drink juice and feel better, 95% just want to touch your butt
I did cocaine off my boobs last night. Then I wrote two essays and went on a run. Go me
Some guy I'd never met and didn't invite threw the punch bowl at the wall and set the plastic skeleton on fire. I don't think we'll be getting the full deposit back
She turned down sex for beer pong. I'm not sure if I should be disappointed or not.
Apparently karate chopping the fronts off all the paper towel and soap dispensers in the bathrooms isn't even frowned upon. Like even at the third bar when I fell flat on my back trying to jump kick the last one some guy just helped me up and high fived me. America.
Randomize
