Everytime she opens her mouth it's like a fucking terrorist attack on my life.
remember tomorrow: you burned the inside of your nose with incense. it hurt.
It feels like I shit a light bulb that shattered on the way out.
Is it possible for Craig Seger to wear a normal suit and not look like an asshole on national tv?
We all know tonight is going to end like every other night with you. drunk, pantless and confused. Dont try to switch things up.
I thought stuff was gonna go really bad after he filled the super-soaker with kerosene. but it all turned out pretty well.
oh, i've got big weekend plans. on an unrelated note, do you think viagra will work if the guy is roofied?
Oh I love our desires, it's riding my bike at 2 AM with a massive erection that I dislike.
Im gonna take a shit then figure out how to be better at basketball
Koalas always seemed like really high little puppy kittens to me.
Hows the party lookin?
At a live sex show right now. Not sure about the employee party
Drink a bottle I wine by yourself? Treat yo self
After a roaring rendition of Jay-Z's "99 Problems but a bitch ain't one" I ended up making her cry on her birthday.
I should come with a warning like "do not feed me tequila or cocaine, I will ruin the party and cry"
TYLER OWES ME SO MUCH
I LET A CREEPY MAN I DONT KNOW SUCK ON MY NIPPLES
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