I got so drunk I pissed the bed last night. He still likes me. He's a keeper
He is a keeper. You on the other hand are not.
You should have been there to see the look on her face when I told her that my dog gives better head than her. It was a beautiful symphony of shock, anger, and disbelief.
Two people in the coffee shop I'm at are on a date and talking about how acid has affected them and the girl just mentioned meth. Fuck studying, this just got interesting.
i'm pretty sure they aren't charging me for that window i broke with a turkey sandwich while i was hammered.
I dont think he was a real cab driver. I think he was just a creepy guy with a van.
I feel like his penis would have a weird haircut because he does.
So instead of asking me for my number, he asked for my dad's because he wanted to "thank the man that helped create those tits."
Why is there a muffler in the livingroom?
First, I just want to say that I had nothing to do with it. Second, how good is your car insurance?
I told my grandmother all I want is a nice guy who likes to be tied up.
You merely adopted the alcohol. I was born into it. Molded by it. I didn't see the hang over until I was a man and by then it was only blinding.
If Plan B had a rewards card I would have earned so many free tote bags by now
These tits shall not be calmed
We lost you in the bar so we waited outside for you...next thing you know you kick open the doors and yell "I'M ALIVE"
the guy had "bad bitches only" tattooed above his penis...
I have to have boobs, you have the charm and wholesomeness that gets boyfriends... And i have boobs
Randomize
