how was that guy you hooked up with?
i used to think blowing a .05 was a good thing
you took a scissor and started screaming "I WANNA KNOW WHAT ITS LIKE TO BE BALD"
all her text said was "asdfhdaufhudshfuds" and i knew that meant come over
I'm starting to think The only feelings I have anymore are drunk and hung over
you can't hurt those
I action rolled over a firepit. Twice. I am the action roll king
Want me to give your number to an army recruiter?
I don't know... do you want me to use your number to sell used gay porn on Craigslist?
I sense beginning a prank war would end badly for both of us.
Still want to know how you got back last night? Two Campus Security Officers carried you in around 430. Your pants were around your ankles.
I hate Sailor Jerry.
Any clothing i put on is too many clothes.
Do you have paint?
Paint? I wish
OMG WHAT ARE YOU DOING
She apologized again the next day. I said it was pee under the bridge
I feel like my body was put in a dryer with rocks set on permanent press.
Was the picture of her twerking on a fake plant sufficient?
I take it you're alive?
Mostly. Can't quite control my arms.
I said I hate kids.This dude said he will sell his children to go on a date with me.
I don't get promposals. When I asked my date I was so drunk I couldn't lift my head. Then I puked on my lawn after he said "ok whatever". That's romance
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