We should takd a huggy cab to snuggle bunnyville
Going to spend my cab money on more shots and just take the ambulance home
If I had a nickel for every time somebody called me a bad person I would have enough money to check into rehab
I feel like I'm back in highscool trying to hide my erections at work
Most the numbers in my phone are mistakes. It's a virtual graveyard of people I should never pick up for.
dude. FULL moustache. it was like getting head from Tom Selleck
Went to the doctors. She saw my " I love beer" tattoo. All she said was " My drunken tat is of just one word. "Cornnuts.". Then said Mexico was "awesome." And sent me on my way. Yeah. She's my favorite doctor.
Nothing like the It's a Small World ride at Disneyland to remind you to take your birth control. I took it on the boat yesterday
He's living a porn movie. He's slept with a waitress at her work for lunch, a bar tender at the bar that night, and the cleaning lady the next morning.
Well I'm in a stranger's bed.
Gotta leave to watch the Lions
Kids parked next to me are getting it on. I'm eating chicken nuggets listening to Kanye alone. Happy Valentine's Day.
Did you ever think you lost your bong and then you find it in the weirdest place? I mean, who leaves their bong in the shower?
Giant stained glass jesus is judging my black pleather pants
I woke up with clothes on this morning and I'm pretty sure you had something to do with that. Thank you.
You're moving up the public shitting ladder
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