Tell Heather sorry for burning her hair. Also for anything else that I may have done that warrants and apology. Anything after about 10pm is kind of hazy.
My tally is now official: I have been drunk every weekend since 2008. Cheers.
Literally getting boned by my flask right now. I didn't really think about this whole sneaking past security in a skin tight dress.
just fought my dog for the chicken pie I dropped on the floor.
No. I didn't know. I thought mid afternoon shots meant the day could only get better.
You know, it doesn't really count as a walk of shame if you guys showered together the next morning
She is larger then a hippo. You could cut her open in the middle of a blizzard and crawl in like Luke skywalker. Throw a couch and a tv in there and you're set
I've made friends with the guy dressed as a gorilla that was chasing the guy dressed as a banana around with a super soaker full of vodka. I feel this will be a good relationship for me.
OH HAPPY DAYS YOU'RE BOTH GINGERS YOU'LL REPRODUCE YOUR OWN KIND
Well am going to a strip club before sun down, I dont think anything good can come from that.
Please ask me to tell you about the time I watched two of my friends chase my drunk roommate with a broken foot around downtown
Just read 119 best sex positions. I wanna try 107 of them. Can I put you down for 50?
She just asked what would happen if you put a vacuum in your butt and turned it on. These are our conversations.
god, I have more takeout restaurants in my contacts than friends
Fuck I forgot the furry convention was this weekend and now I'm downtown. Way too high for this shit.
Randomize
