OK...I gotta go get strawberry short cake cakes and knee pads
The paper boy just woke me up in the front yard again.
I just came up with the perfect plan. Once i'm a dentist i'm going to offer dad a million dollars to divorce mom.
She always manages to outslut me. I can't keep up
There are too many people and smells in this elevator for my hangover to handle.
It's nights like those I refer to my life motto: You can't be just friends with someone after you've seen their genitals.
Someone just got pizza delivered to the liquor store.
Since the world is still here you can go ahead and disregard those pictures I sent
She just broke into my apartment while I was asleep, woke me up and drunkenly tried to seduce me for about 2 minutes, then passed out..
She gatecrashed the wedding and managed to get an invite to the open bar reception. Lucky bitch
If it's any consolation, I made really strong brownies yesterday and had 3 and then I saw demons
I don't care how hot she was, she wouldn't stop singing "Shut Up and Dance", instant boner-killer.
How do you say, "I love you, but i prefer sex with someone else." in a good way? Ponder that over a jack and coke and get back to me.
FYI brushing your teeth & taking off your makeup does not erase the shame from the night before
someone found a bottle of whiskey in the bushes this morning when they were cleaning before an admissions event. i'm 95% sure it's mine..
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