It wouldn't matter if you are Jesus Christ himself, you are not getting into the bar tonight
I just witnessed two drunk midgets fighting over a graham cracker. I can die happy now.
It wasn't until i was on my knees with three dicks in my face that i thought it might be a bad idea
Maybe it's cuz you slapped him with a pancake last night
I have no idea how I got home or why I am naked but I assume I owe you a thank you...
I BIT YOU IN THE DINING ROOM. I bit you and you crunched
She can't meet us until 830...there's no hope for our sobriety at that hour
Remember that time i gave you head on MY birthday and you made me stop so you could watch the rhino part in 300
why can't I meet attractive men at the places I like to hang out? like books a million. or the liquor store.
Did your surprise acid trip turn out well?
I'm full of champagne and rage, of course I'm showing up at his house.
If my neighbors have super loud sex again tonight, I'm going to leave a ball-gag and roll of duct tape in their mail slot.
Sorry I punched you in the throat. You got in my way. You understand.
Can you come get me? I woke up in the woods behind the Super 8. I have pizza.
Topless, eating sour gummies, doing a crossword, at 4 AM. TELL ME IM BEAUTIFUL!
Randomize