she asked me if the dress made her look fat, i told her no - the fat made her look fat.
Why does it always sting when I'm breaking the seal taking a piss?
b/c u have herpes
No i said "always", not "since 2003" Asshole.
eh.. i should've known it was headed downhill after he used the phrase "pussy sundae"
I am sitting on my kitchen floor drunk with a bottle of jose cuervo, tryin to make cinnamon rolls and write a paper. I love college
She was about to go down when you guys iced me. Thanks bro
The good news is the bleeding stopped. I think I'm going to sober up before I tell you the bad news though.
you can officially check off peeing off the 5th floor while shouting "I want to break the guinness world record for longest piss stream" off your college to do list.
i'm in that phase where i'll swallow anything except food
Seriously, dude... You knows its bad when you gag on her nipple.
THE FASTEST WAY TO MY HEART IS THROUGH FAMILY SIZED BAGS OF GENERIC BRAND CHEESE BALLS
You wrapped yourself in tin-foil and told us you were Iron Man. I have pictures.
i have a strong feeling that today will be a naked day for me...i don't feel like doing shit
It involves me, my best friend, and a stripper and her mother.
....I just did my boss
I love you. And I will hold your hand as we skip on the road to hell.
I need to take my iPad to the Apple store (when this is all over). Do I need to delete all my dick pics/videos or are they used to stumbling across that sort of thing?
Randomize
