Do you have swine flu?
I know my taste in men is not always top notch; however, I don't sleep with swine.
Pigs, yes. Swine, no.
he poured tabasco sauce in my vag.. I'm still having a hard time going to the bathroom.
giving a 30 min presentation still drunk is like giving birth, upside down in a pit of snakes while being on fire.
SLUTTIEST. 4TH. EVER.
He burst into tears while I was blowing him. NEVER giving a bj for a graduation present again.
I'm crying, drinking alone and applying for jobs tonight. I figure the alcohol will lower my job standards.
yeah, i found the sharpie that everyone use to sign my tits last night. its dead.
And, through a series of unfortunate events, I am at my grandmothers birthday party in a short dress and no underwear
It's like... Even my horoscope knows I had an awkward threesome last night.
I literally farted midsex as a siren for him to get the fuck off me.. No such luck.
At some point, you're going to have to talk to a tree and do what it says
I'm happy I peed in your laundry basket last night
Just got a blow job from a woman on a ski slope. She said ski'ing frightens her and giving head calms her down. Glad I could help ma'am!
First Peyton Manning retires, and now the most interesting man in the world is retiring for Dos Equis. This is the worst week of my fucking life.
Didn't think I'd be dancing with the Power Rangers but here I am
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