somehow in between the body shots the bong hits and trying to convince the 7-11 lady to let me fill up my vodka bottle with cherry slurpee. i misplaced my car.
Jesus people on campus asked me what i do for joy. I said i love sinning especially pre-marital sex.
I just rubbed my dick on something in your apartment. Can you guess what?
I just told my boyfriend I think I might be pregnant using Emoji icons....
which icon did you use to tell him he's not the father?
At McDonald's last night the guy gave you the wrong kind of McFlurry, so you screamed at him, "YOU MCFUCKED UP."
Moms kinda upset I threw up in grandmas bedroom. I think ill stay in tonight.
you're just mad cause i madeout with you while having a mouth full of chewed pretzels
She told me she gets scared easily and that I had to protect her. Then I made a condom joke that ended up making her cry... All bad dude
The alcohol just runs so smoothly thru my veins.
she's just been through a whole lot lately. When the crazy starts leaking out we give her vodka and lock her in the room with all the pillows.
so that's what that room is for...
I may have just tried to argue quantum entanglement as the reason I was still in her bed.
I just can't have sex in the car again. it's just too much
HE LIVES IN ANOTHER STATE
actually scratch that last text, he's the perfect boyfriend. He stays faithful and doesnt find out about all the guys here. it's a win-win
when I finally convinced you to get off the floor you looked at me wild-eyed and said "the carpet was a VAST EXPANSE OF SEA"
I don't think you understand I turned down McDonalds for you.
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