Do you think when graham bell invented the phone he ever thought that people would be using them to facebook on the shitter?
Just so you know, each of my boobs fits perfectly in a martini glass.
Yeah the sex got weird after I said "who's your daddy?" and she actually moaned her dads name.
my mind is a poorly written porno when i'm drunk.
just because she threw up on my junk doesnt mean i dont like asians anymore
Resolution for 2011: blow jobs are a privilege, not a right.
we should drop off a car at the police station before going out tonight so we can drive home in the morning
Well anything after a French guy would have been a disappointment. But I'm fairly certain he was just trying to masturbate into me.
I'm going to keep a tally of how many lives I ruin this summer. Starting today.
Already at 3 and it's not even noon.
Im playing lifeguard in my own bathroom. How's ur night?
Don't mind me. My boyfriend is carrying me because I'm broken not because I'm drunk.
It's not even 9:30 yet..
As pissed as she was, you would've thought I was trying to get back into his pants instead of his booze collection.
I would pay to watch a Bravo special of you getting Botox.
Pretty sure I love my nipple piercing more than I'll love my children someday
The cat was building a spaceship out of the carpet, my legs were cans of tomato sauce, and there was something else in that pot you gave me.
Randomize
