I wish there were whore gnomes that cleaned our apartment when we were gone.
he had to chose between the booze and condoms
what did he choose?
the booze, then looked at me and said, plan b is free right?
At one point I was double fisting both beer & ice cream. I love public events in this town.
I lost my grandmas ring. Probably during the handjob.
Just so you know there's a random man downstairs knocking on a door with a dozen roses and a 30 pack of beer. Unattractive or not, I'm inviting him in.
Quick question, how many times can you get chlamydia before your vagina just gives up and falls off?
All I need right now is some mouthwash, dignity, and security camera footage...
Getting my nails done with Diana... I'm going for the keep your friends close and the girl who's dating the guy you want to fuck closer
Will that be creepy to wake him up at midnight with my tongue all over his body??
How does a law student 15 days away from graduation prepare for a pass fail final? Drinking beer, eating thick cut bacon, and watching game of thrones, that's how
On the upside I'm hairless from the waist down. On the downside, I just chemically burned my labia
I didn't pop out of a cake in a speedo with diagrams
In case that's what u were picturing
i woke up with a kayak in my amazon shopping cart with 1 wrong digit on my credit card and the transaction wasn't going through.
I just left and he walked me out and went call me if you're ever... Eh... Whatever. And walked away.
The FEDEX guy just cock blocked me by getting his van stuck in my driveway
Randomize
