hey babe thanks for tonight, it was fun.
to be honest, i wanna fuck your friend.
So.. my mom just told me she hasn't gotten laid in 7 years... I'm really disturbed.. at the same time... At least now I know why shes so damn cranky all the damn time
Please don't tell me you're asking me to have sex with your mother.
i'm watching a show about a girl who died from masterbating with a carrot. A FUCKING CARROT, EMILY! YOU NEED TO BE CAREFUL!
you'll never believe how fucking awesome rain man is when you're stoned.
i rewarded my self with tacobell for not throwing up on any one. MISTAKE
Just downloaded the entire Justin Bieber album sober.. I think you know how I'm doing.
I'll send you the picture of you double fisting vodka bottles, grinding one guy and making out with another... Every girl wanted to be you.. You make me so proud!
Wait. Did you let me snort wine last night cause I wanted to smell jesus's blood?
Yes. I have pictures. Your soul is mine.
and then i signed some dudes back with a turkey hand print in honor of thanksgiving
My night was too much. My morning is even more. Help. I need to teleport the fuck out of here.
Why is your ex naked in my apartment?
We literally solved our fight using cat pictures on Instagram. True love.
His face matches his life choices. Both are train wrecks.
Oh man I knew I took that Molly too soon, talkin to some Scottish people lol but don’t like rollin in pizza restaurants.
Just found a rebirth in peppermint schnapps. May be able to stay up all night and finish this paper after all. MERRY CHRISTMAS
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