I would wrestle an alligator for a bj right now
I just found a dead bug in my nose. if that's the worst thing up there im considdering myself lucky.
just realized the sink is the perfect height to piss into never cleaning the toilet again
she wants me to text her or call her all the time when we are apart...this is not high school...
You told the waitress last night "What tip bracket do I have to be in to see your boobs"
You planned my entire going away party sitting in the bath tub cradling a bottle of Cuervo. You promised me fire jugglers. And a pinata.
Just paid a $5 cover at a bar I stumbled by so I could puke in a toilet and not in public.
Tommorow.Eggs Benedict and surprise blowjob day
You peed up the stairs in front of everyone then blamed it on the dog
and then i signed some dudes back with a turkey hand print in honor of thanksgiving
It sucks laughing and vomiting at the same time, trust me. I kind of remember
I woke up hugging a box of cheerios that had "wonder woman" written in sharpie on it. So much for a sober night.
I caught a glimpse of his penis. I can only imagine what your mom's vagina goes through because of that penis
I just wanna get high and take a fucking awesome nap. Those are my goals for the week.
I may just have to resign myself to life in flats. He's a sexy little chipmunk that worships me.
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