so heres a good story. about 6 hrs ago i took a bath with bruce blasting. and 6 hrs later i woke up still in my bathtub but in cold water
it really sends the message that i like to impregnate mortal women and have them birth fantastic half man-half god infants.
he/she has shaved legs and makeup on. but a spare tire stomach, high socks with high heels...a wig and glasses. and still talked like a man. it was a nightmare scenario
I have my ice chest next to my bed. Instead of breakfast in bed, its beers in bed. 10x better
Also, I think I'm too drunk to be at the gym right now. But how sober do you need to be for IM volleyball?
I have their Unicorn picture in my shirt, and I just threw a Bud Light Platinum bottle through their window. We need to go now.
You missed me roundhouse kicking a lit glow stick out of a guy's mouth last night. You would have been proud.
I think I want to impress his gay best friend more than him..
As if finding out the man you just had sex with is married isn't bad enough, it gets so much more awkward when his wife comes in to comfort you...
I slept awesome next to you. You're like an electric blanket that I can have morning sex with.
He's going to wonder why I have burn marks on my asshole
I got stabbed with a couple of chip crumbs during sex Saturday. Further proof I need to stop eating snacks in bed
Baked out of my mind. Went in the bathroom, a daddy long leg spider and a carpenter ant are battling it out on the floor. I brought my computer with some dubstep.
OMG THE ANT WON
Remember, today is also the anniversary of Harambe's death. D**** out.
Then you screamed in her face to shut up about thick thighs saving lives because actually they can suffocate people during oral sex
Drunk me is very safety conscious And apparently just as annoyed by her as sober me
Randomize
