They should make a Rosetta Stone that allows men to understand what the fuck women are actually trying to say.
Just woke to a Christmas wrapped pack of hotdogs in my bathtub. How high did we get?
She wrote me a poem titled "Penis Flower" and it wasnt a joke
I'm telling everyone at work the mark on my neck is a hickey but really I was taking a shit while straightening my hair and burned myself
I just need to know if he's either really genuine about being in my life or being in my vagina.
peeing off your aunts pourch into the koy pond seemed like a good idea at the time
Honestly, it's not that easy picking a Saturday night outfit that can translate to Palm Sunday mass. Priorities.
Buying a large dominoes pizza for a wasted 3 mile walk is the best bad idea ever. My mouth is on fire, probably broke my hand, and i may or may not have eaten street pizza.
How did you break your hand eating pizza?
Boxes are hard to see rocks through.
He paid me to blow him while doing a handstand. Does that make me a whore or just a budding gymnast?
The stripper was waving you to the stage, not up on the stage. That's why you got choked out.
I want what they have, but in the meantime I have a whole bottle of rum to which I'm quite devoted
Lmao I should put that ad on Craigslist "in need of muscular and determined team of men to carry drunken birthday whore safely home"
Ways to ruin a one night stand: the guy finds your parenting magazine on your dorm room desk.
Yeah. Got a major ego boost when she said she felt like she had just fucked King Arthur. Buying some donuts later to celebrate with, wanna join?
There are condoms rolled onto each bunny ear of the ears I was wearing last night
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