I never want to see another naked old woman again.
Im eating ham and mustard naked, watching south park, but its totally cool cuz the paper plate is covering my nuts
I just almost got out my car and drop kicked this one chick over parking. Welcome to the first day of spring semester.
just bought a coffee grinder that advertiesed spacious grinding chamber...new nickname for my bedroom?
Its really not funny anymore. I need to stop shaving while i'm drunk
Just walked by a yard full of girls wearing bikinis. I did my best to stare.
... was I dreaming when we did coke off of the xbox, or did that really happen?
before we left she put a post-it on the floor next to the toilet saying she was a pretty pretty princess
one of the RAs is here. he told me his name is optimus prime and then took his shirt off and fell down
Okay I shall begin. Thank you Swedish chef
Hurrfy smmurdshy burrfst!
That is the exact response I was looking for.
Considering the fact that everyone took the wrong jacket from that party, should we casually try to return the chalice and soccer ball we stole from last night?
Dinner at my parents is vodka, lemonade, cheese ad crackers. Why would I leave?
For whatever reason, whenever she's drunk off Crown, all she wants to do is jerk me off with her feet.
Im so drunk and the cops showed up so i ran on all 4's through the woods because i had no shoes hoping they would mistake me for a fox
I may or may not have been feeling patriotic and banged Captain America in a closet. SPOILER ALERT: We broke his shield
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