I don't know where I am, but its a Goosebumps novel waiting to happen.
I hope the prosecutor is a dude cause my lawyer is hot.
i had to do the walk of shame dressed as a leprechaun. I have never been more proud of my irish roots.
I just made easy mac in my blender. Beat that.
he told me he was a chubby chaser.. then winked. i'm signing up for a gym pass as we speak
oh my god. were standing in the kitchen and were chanting "EYEBROWS" and shaving peoples eyebrows. I have work tomorrow and want to keep my eyebrows.
I can already almost taste penis in my mouth
Had "I should be in prison or dead" storytime at the bar. Found out James has done blow off a dead guy. Overwhelmed and speechless.
Just shook hands with the bud light truck driver, thanked him for his service to our country
And I just realized we will be at a strip club when the end of the world is supposed to happen. This is destiny
leave me alone I'm becoming one with nature and doing plant things
I just fell and sprained my ankle in the shower. No, I wasn't having sex. I was doing the time warp. Again.
Is there an "I fucked your brother" emoji?
you're welcome to come here, except my beds from ikea so it's more unstable than i am
I climbed to the top of a stripper pole and touched the ceiling. Accomplishment?
Randomize
