Jerry, you need to find god
I had a dream that the allstate guy hooked up with flo from the pregressive insurance commercials and she gave birth to the geico gecco. I need to stop taking ambian.
If i off myself, it'll be in a lobster costume in the hot tub with butter...
dude your girlfriend loves you alot..she yelled your name lastnight in bed
How do I invite him to our 4th of July cookout without sounding too much like "hey you were my first orgasm and I want your dick inside my while watching fireworks"
He asked me If i had cheated on my boyfriend when I said no he said it's like he doesnt know me anymore
Clearly I understand physics better when I'm on cocaine
I'm drunk on a monday night. Not a good start to finals week
Hey hey, in my defense we were just suppose to watch Disney movies from a blanket fort with beer and nachos. I was I suppose to know it would end in tears?
I don't know what I would do if cheese never existed
Someone's stooooned
The original plan involved fireworks and a lot more dildos but the new one is still okay.
I'm at the nutcracker high as shit. It's so beautiful. I cried.
He sent me a picture of Reese's peanut butter cups next to his dick. Of course I went over.
I could be doing way worse things besides texting him 'come over and bang my headache away'. i could be on meth
scale of one to ten how loathsome is it to save my chocolate easter bunny to use for a topping on my edibles
Randomize
