i celebrated the independence of our country by dry heaving tequila all morning. so classy. happy 4th.
Sometimes, dog treats look like people treats.
of course he's cheating on me, she's 100x prettier and she can do the splits
He did a line, told me my hair looked pretty against the background of the clouds, and then we fucked. Good afternoon
I have no valid justification for peeing in your kitchen, but I don't think it's worth breaking up over.
FYI the landlord called, said we need to clean the puke off the side of the house...was someone on the roof lastnight??
Just got back from fathers day breakfast. So hungover i couldn't eat so i just slipped my food in my pockets and threw it out while i puked in the bathroom.
For future reference, the blowjob coupons I gave you for your birthday are NOT transferable to pay your friends for tacos.
If you were wondering whether I accidentally FaceTime called the undergrad who works for me in lab during a particularly graphic blow job last night, then the answer is yes.
Her name means "flower that enlarges and gives birth." There is no way she isn't getting knocked up
The best part is every argument that she makes from here on out will be refuted by "Oh hey remember that time you shit yourself wearing someone else's sweatpants at a frat party?"
I'm just checking to make sure you don't want to go to the farmers market... This is an assumption based on the fact that you were slapped with a sandwich last night and you remained unconscious.
Not sure when or why this happened but I just stopped giving a shit about everything
I'll seduce him with my charm, after all, I am a graceful swan.
More like a demented cow.
you don't need to worry about using proper grammar if you're asking for the size of his dick.
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