matts gf stood and watched my naked ass gather my clothes off his floor this morning. sweet.
Is it wrong to want to cut a hole in the Tigger suit so I can molest you while I wear it?
all he gave me for my birthday was sperm
at least its a homemade gift
they duct taped my keg cup to my hand with my sister's phone number on it. I should be ok tonight.
love being home for thanksgiving just had grandma pick me up from the frat by her house
Once he past out I measured his penis with my remote.
ugh... I can't wait for campus to get back. Then everyone will have other things to try to have sex with besides me.
He pulled a condom out of his satchel and i questioned my entire life.
red lips, whiskey sips, shaking hips, nipple slips. my life as a rap song.
I feel as if the hash cupcakes on top of mushroom chocolates was a little excessive last night
You know just a typical night. Eating peanut butter off of tablespoons and having sex to our favorite Christmas carols. This is my favorite time of year.
You caught me at a bad time. I'm stoned enough that I'm ready to sleep but also not stoned enough that I wanna smoke again but also stoned enough to not wanna drive anywhere
We need to step in, this can't continue. The guy she went home with last night looked exactly like Count Olaf, right down to the unibrow.
Which version tho, Jim Carrey or Neil Patrick Harris?
THAT DOESN'T FUCKING MATTER, YOU DON'T FUCK COUNT OLAF!!!
Of course I'm watching space shows while stoned on the science channel. Why would I want to learn while not baked out of my skull?
Memeber that time you got detained in Poland. We don’t talk about that enough
Randomize
