I swear to god Optimus Prime and Megatron are fighting in my head right now.
dude i just saw the hottest 13 year old but she was kinda ghetto.
The best was having to tell my 16y/o cuz and her bf that we could see him fingering her in the inner tube. Lucky for them, I'm the cool cousin... and was river-level fuckedup.
Pretty sure I left lotion and my bra in your car. I've secured your fathers belief that your straight. You can thank me later
It's not every day you get to see a girl fuck herself with a pickle.
I didn't think moms care packages could get better than greygoose, weed & double stuffed oreos, but she just snet me a chocolate bar full of mushrooms.
We invented "Diesel Bombs." They're supposed to be a bomb, but they come in a 20+ oz. glass and have a blackout record of 6 wins and 0 losses. Undoubtedly going to be the next Muhammed Ali of the drinking world.
Don't bother coming over to clean the mess. I already paid two kids 5 bucks for it, just didn't tell them you peed all over the place. You do owe me 5 bucks though
Theres a guy in your room wearing a franzi box costume and some girl is in the box giving him head.
Hey, who is this? Sorry, you're in my phone as "you better remember".
110% paid for our cab with a lap dance
Woke her up in the middle of the night with the smell from a fart. So proud of my colon.
You grabbed your house keys, threw them at the door and asked, "did it open?"
We're at the liquor store. Then going to the hospital
That's the 3rd guy I've made pass out from a bj. I may have super powers.
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