Old men and throwing up are my life now.
pretty sure i saw you masturbating on chatroulette a minute ago. yes, i can recognize your cock
I THOUGHT I SAW YOU
Totally just grabbed the wrong dick. Damn this tequila.
So i learned you can't hair-of-a-dog jaeger hangovers.
Iranian Rapper, camaroonian basketball player, mexican i forget and indian doctor....this one looks the best on paper.
Any night you end up on the couch next to the trash can with a bag of white wine on your head is a rough night.
What has two arms, one testicle and no credit card debt? This guy.
The rest of the concert I just stared at the lights and didn't really listen to the music cuz I was trying to make sure my brain still worked cuz my face was numb and I couldn't move... Yeah I'm not a weed brownie person
I need you to ship me a penis cookie care package.
SShout out to Barney the Dinosaur for teaching me how to sing the ABCs backward. I just scored a free pitcher.
He compared my ass to "a 13 year old track star's ass." Umm WTF? Is that supposed to be a compliment? And when I questioned boy or girl he said "either."
Woke up this morning to a bunch of snapchats of you drunkenly yelling at grasshoppers. Good night?
Why can't he just dump me? This is like a baby seal clubbing the hunter
just turned another straight guy gay. Goddamn the church must hate me
One lesson I've learned so far from college: You've always got time for one more shot. Always
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