Being this Hungover on Easter has brought my closer to Jesus... I swear he had to feel shitty like this after coming back from the dead
I'm glad I have good healthy relationships with my one night stands
I fcuked ip.
Is this your way of telling me that you got drunk in your office before meeting with your dissertation advisor again? Or that you finally banged that freshman fraternity pledge?
Dude. I'm busy doing PR for America. FOR AMERICA. Europeans think we can't handle liquor.
His phone pocket dialed me while he was crapping. He was quietly singing stayin alive and possibly passing his intestines.
I got an assistant at work. First task was picking me up at a strip club. I was drunk and trying explain how it was work related
The uberlube is also flammable
There is a stockpile of mangos and vodka in my backyard and I'm at least 90% sure you had something to do with it.
You don't know true terror until you get stuck in a porta potty while frying your face off.
Like I could never be a lawyer because I would just look like a porn star impersonation of a lawyer.
I just talked to him. no worries he had the same fears you did this morning and smelled the dryer to make sure. you officially did not pee in there haha
She's licking the vodka she spilled off the desk
Aaaaand now she's drinking it out of the shot glass like a cat
I gave her the last ten dollars to my name and bitch comes back with a six pack of bud light and a pack of sour patch kids
We left Waffle House and he took off running five miles down the road saying we were "training for the Olympics." And I mean, I couldn't leave him out there like that...
Legit just heard the bartender tell some Dude "Penis is not an accepted currency in this establishment" and Dude responded "You take Vagina then?"
Randomize
