Do NOT cum in me, on me, or in my bed.
9 am. shotgunning while conditioning my hair. i love college football season.
so I think I'm done having sex with her, she's way too crazy
what about the blowjobs for adderall?
no those are still okay
Im def. not watching the CMAs. If Kanyes not gonna be there whats the point?
You told me to hold on because you had to barf like a dinosaur.
just got high and bedazzled my bra. other than bleeding from the prongs life is so good.
You should probably wake up already as I have yet another story for you. Teaser? Blood from knife wound. Tequila. Guitar hero. Kitchen counter. Lawyer.
you realize that if you hadn't mouthed "we're getting laid tonight", i wouldn't have woken up with your ex this morning. just sayin
I feel like he better crank it up to level RG IV tomorrow. It's the fucking playoffs.
Can we just focus for a minute on the fact that I HAD MY FIRST LESBIAN ENCOUNTER.
Right. How rude of me to inform you that you're going to be an aunt.
Oh, honey. If you're seeing a girl just for the sex, never doubt that she knows and she's doing the same thing. We're not stupid, we're just craftier than you.
Day drinking! Today! (tomorrow too!) Our place! Whenever you get off work! Ready go!
By far the fardest thing to do drunk is open a band aid
Are you vicariously golddigging through me?!
I just found a live peacock hanging out behind the bar. I coerced it into my car and now I have a peacock bro that lives with me.
Randomize
