I think I'm maturing; i was gonna watch porn and then take a nap but i motivated myself to put my laundry in first.
I guess she didn't feel like it. There was hair all over it and everything
I have a running excel spreadsheet detailing the number of shots in a night and subsequent ability to masturbate
I wanna get FUCKED up and fail the piss test at my eval so they send me to detox and give me suboxone... Is that bad?
you were wandering around the street for like an hour singing "nothing but socks on"..an original you wrote after the 12th shot i believe
When the officer tried to stop you, you just shouted your name in his face. repeatedly.
you yelled "who's job is it to keep me from breaking shit" and then immediately ripped off the molding as you fell down the stairs.
Alright I don't know how you'll link it to me but yes I left a nearly empty 12 pack on your trunk
Found a beard hair in my crotch.... care to explain?
Don't worry. I told him just because you've gargled some balls in the past doesn't mean you'll be handling his.
I really wanted that to be shared. Thank you.
Didn't get the job. Searched for my references on FB and saw the pic of me weighing my head passed out.
Every concussion has its silver lining
Told the cab driver to take me to narnia last night. Turns out there's a bar called narnia on the south side of town. We are in business
If I had a penis, I'd want to put it in you. And I'd treat you with respect and pay for your drinks.
My phone just put together a highlight reel of yesterday's dick pic session, set to music and everything
Randomize
