Shark Week may as well be Shark Weed.
my dog ran away and came back with a marajuana plant. what are you doing tonight?
i was trying to find the best way to say come over and have sex, without saying it.
Dude I think I was making out with the cat last night
I don't have a cat..?
Well nonetheless. Whatever it was purred when I used tounge.
The bottle I was drinking out of splintered on the bottom, there was glass in my hand, I pulled it out with my teeth... Not the best night for Drunk Kevin
Okay wait let me power puke and then we can go dancing
What should we drink tonight, I'm in the mood to be judged
BEST FEELING EVER: Standing in a hot fucking shower, while super baked, while eating a cookie.
You eat cookies in the shower?
I was trying to chase her off the carpet, but now there are figure-eights of cat vomit. everywhere
Hey, you gotta think, is this REALLY the penis you wanna see for the rest of your life? THINK!
They're making him take his shirt off cause they think he's the bouncer. We're in his backyard.
I fell off my bed and busted open my chin on the prisoner of azkaban. Somehow missed the almost empty Jose handle next to it. So guess what I was doing last night?
She makes margaritas with lemon-lime 5 hour energy..thats brilliant
and you were wondering how she got into Harvard
I'm not sure... How do you tell someone who was so smashed they couldn't remember shoving their dick into the fireplace that their mother actually witnessed the whole thing?
My general physician told me i have the emotional capacity of a 2 year old, While he refilled my xanax prescription. That's service!
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