I am dying of drunk and no thats not a typo.
Whenever I'm sad I just imagine if babies were born with mustaches...
Woke up with feathers in my hair. at work. still drunk. sooo awkward.
I like one night stands...theyre like crushes for big kids
Pray the makeout fairy visits me this weekend.
we marched down beaver avenue with lit tiki torches humming the olympics opening song.
I mean... It's a win/win situation. I mentor the kid for an hour and then I get to fuck his mom. I know deep down I'm helping them both
Convinced the domino's pizza delivery person to go to shaws and buy me a bottle of wild turkey. For america.
$5 off purchases of eighths or more today only. Happy tax-free weekend. -Your consumer-minded pot dealer
She tried to sleep on the front steps of her salon so she wouldn't be late for work and these people put her in a cab to my house. She is nothing if not responsible. Can u imagine her boss finding her there this morning?
Employee of the year! :)
Sorry we couldn't "turn off the mirrors." How're you feeling today?
Just woke up with an eye that wont open, a half eaten piece of pizza on my chest and a raging boner.
I just used my dick as to measure where my desk would go because I don't have a tape measure or a ruler.
That was a beautiful concert to sleep through ...
I know - Don't let me take drugs from strangers anymore
I WANT GRASS AND TREES NOT SOMEONE SWINGING A SWORD AROUND
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