Ross. Joey. Chandler. Who would you do?
She gave me a blow job and her mom gave me blueberry muffin afterwards. I love them.
I woke up and we were making out. So the good news is that after two years off the market, I haven't lost a step. I'm picking up girls in my sleep now.
I'm afraid to text her because most of the time she just replies with "cockblock."
Yeah? Well I'm currently predrinking downstairs in my room by myself. Absolut and water with a hint of mint because I'm using the glass I keep my toothbrush in. Fuck, you bitches better get off work soon.
I'm sorry for biting your husband's ass last night.
Stop calling dibs on everything with a vagina you jackass.
That should be the title of my autobiography.
I literally walked into the toilet, looked at my reflection, said "alcohol" and went back to bed...
Just saw our highschool guidance counselor at the bar and he's taken six shots in the last hour. Those teenagers have fucking hardened him.
Is there a classy way to tell him that to thank him for his service I would like to put his dick in my mouth?
"Happy Veterans Day! Now pull down your pants."
THERE IS A VERY SMALL CHILD YELLING OUTSIDE OF MY DOOR. THE NEXT TIME YOU TELL ME YOUR TOO BIG FOR A CONDOM I'M GOING TO PUNCH YOU IN THE DICK.
the staff put glowsticks in the urinals of the porta-pottys last night and honestly drunk me has never been more grateful for anything in his life
This is why I can't take dates to shows... I've literally made out with everyone in this band. And two of the guys in the crowd. And the bartender.
If he thinks I'm canceling my orgy to coddle his stupid fucking behavior, he has another thing coming
I don't wanna be 33 that's when Jesus died
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