dude I went to cubs game with my mustache, aviators, and a hooded sweatshirt. Do you think it was irony or fate that there were four 17 year old girls in front of us?
she's like "i'm so proud of u" ... and then i threw up on myself
why did u have a candy cane hung on your dick in the first place?
she has a santa fetish
cute.
There is something depressing about eating toast in a dark living room by myself using a paper plate that says: "Let's Party!"
just shottied a beer can with a pumpkin carver. i love October.
in my defense, he kept drinking all of my water.
he had diabetes and you told him to stop being a pansy!
...Just between you and me I just did Olympic grade ribbon dancing with toilet paper in the bar bathroom.
Great news I took pics last night
Warning: most of them are of you peeing while I take selfies
I feel like we should apologize to the light saber. We were REALLY inappropriate with it last night.
I'm seeing double so when I get home can we have a threesome?
And if you haven't kicked a pigeon you haven't started your morning right
The worst thing about buying this extremely comfortable bed is that once I get a girl into it, all she wants to do is sleep. I want my fucking money back.
I'm pretty sure I have PMS because I almost just cried about not being able to find a place that gives acrobat classes here.
What's that? Is there a bottle of Jack calling me? I think so...
Not sure she's stomping around my apartment muttering incoherently about wanting to speak to the colonel
Randomize